20 julio 2012

The Cell Phone Diaries (Guest Post)

por Kaiser Dämmerung (Guaynabo City, PR)

Adding a camera to an object as mundane and necessary as a cell phone was one of the greatest ideas ever conceived. With it I have been slowly able to visually document some of the fucked up shit you get to see by just walking or driving around here on a daily basis, in all it’s glorious 0.5 megapixel "blurryvision". If I spent more time on the streets I’d have a whole blog dedicated to these things, since some of it, if not all, is stuff that deserves the tag ONLY IN PUERTO RICO. For example:

Retarded Car stickers

After the horribly ridiculous "family members" stickers that every suburban asshole thought to stick on his 4×4, we still get the occasional custom made car sticker, which, if not mourning the passing of a loved one (you guys know what I’m talking about: "Fulanito: Nunca te olvidaremos", coupled with a peeing Calvin image), we sometimes get schooled with an enlightening, uplifting message of hope and wonder. Like this gem:
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"EL QUE TIENE AMIGOS NO SUFRE"
Yup, that’s what it says. It seems they are not taking into account possessive, opportunistic, envious little douchebag friends that only call you when they need something, among the hundred other different flavors of asshole who decide to befriend us. What about friends people fall in love with? Not that’s a specially fucked up kind of suffering. I bet this car belongs to a rabid bible thumper.
But you know what really makes us suffer?
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A car with a sticker that says: "SEXY GANSTER"
Because the more illiterate and moronic the "ganster", the sexier he/she is. Also, nothing like Playboy bunny stickers to tell whe whole world you’re a "playa" and you "got game" or whatever other retarded promiscuity denominator is in use nowadays.
And speaking of illiteracy…

I’like a sandui, plis.

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Oh I know, I know, I’m being an asshole. This was obviously owned by fellow dominicans who probably weren’t able to get proper schooling. How can I tell they’re from my island? Who else would include delicious "mangú" in their menu. Mmmmmmm… Mangú.

Hey look it’s the king of the bloody obvious.

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I don’t think I need to discuss this any further. LOL biased much?
And Finally:

Let me play with your children

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Would you invite this sexy thing to your kids’ birthday party?
WOULD YOU?
I mean look at him. Look at those eyes, that fixed stare that pierces right through your soul (and probably feeds on it), that smile, that makeup. Those creepy puppets. That orange vagina on his right…
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RAPE TIME.

emoticon Now you’ll be dreaming with him the whole fucking night. HAHA!
Well, that seems about enough for now. It’s not gentlemanly to blow your whole load in one shot.
Wait a minute. That… didn’t.. quite… sound right…
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2 comentarios:

>>Maleante de Cartón dijo...

GUAY!
*MC se estruja los ojos, no puede creer lo que ve: Una brillante colabaración de Kaiser Dämmerung ... it's like OMFG!!*

Estoy de acuerdo, el vocero es prensa para brutos ... a decir verdad, creo que ningun periodico de aquí vale tres chavos. UGH!

En verdad el lipstick del tipo me pareció grasioso, eso sí tienes razón esos ojos de pervertido sexual no se lo quita nadie y los trapos de munecos esos se ven bien trashy. Es más un mummet de esos se parece hasta La comay ajajaja que cabrón, tiene a la comay ahí de puppet, que jodío enfermo. *puke*

Boricua En La Luna dijo...

El tipo ese mago uy!!!!! es ahora ves a tu hijo y ahora no lo ves!!! naaaa deja eso.

Por aca por el sunshine estait vi uno que decia "proud to be a redneck"... de ahi dije que me tenia que mudar.